Symbolic or Not?

I have written a good deal about the last three days.  I was unable to complete a very long and challenging ride that the group I am with did.  I was the only one who did not finish of those who wished to (some people chose to ride only two days).

I hate making excuses, and though I have some "reasons" for why I got sick, why I cramped, and why I don't feel I was at the fitness level to ride almost 100 miles a day for three days (day two with 2,400 meters of climbing), it does not change things.  My goal was not accomplished.

Yet, here I sit a day after knowing for sure that I would not even be considering a walk with Eva, some work around the apartment, shopping and the other sundry chores of the weekend if I had continued.

Yesterday I awoke with the chills, stomach cramps (still have), and the runs.

I could have beaten myself to the core, but for what?

But why am I even attempting to justify this?  I really don't even know the people in this group with whom I ride.  I have never been to their homes and they have never been to mine.  Many are younger and those my age have their own core friends from years of living here in Israel.

I recognize that I am an outsider.  I truly don't belong here in Israel, and I will always be an outsider.

I ride with this group not for friendship, but because I like to go fast, ride with dedicated individuals, and have the safety of a pace car "protecting" us.  I enjoy the after ride cafe stops, and when I race, it is nice to have others you know along for the ride.

Yet, when I cramped the other day, after I was helped by the team, they rode off at their own pace and left me literally alone in the desert.  And that's okay, that's what happens (I then joined a slower group).

But this is graphic of the fact that we are basically alone and truly only have a few people who care deeply about us.  Of course when you get hurt others will come to your assistance for that is human nature.  When I cramped, many helped.  When others have crashed, many have helped.  But again, I am, will always be an outsider being devoid of linguistic abilities and I suppose a common narrative (though many are surprised to find mine is much more similar when they actually speak to me).

Regardless, I will get myself quickly back onto the bike.  Do some smarter training, and let this one go after a couple of more days.  I am not so disappointed at not being able to complete this journey, I am just a bit emotionally let down that even in such circumstances I feel more on the periphery than I thought I would have at this age.