Rosh Hashanah Holid

*Note, this was something I wrote on an Instagram post asking us all to say "sorry" for the hostage situation.  I reflected on that and then wrote the following.  

I'll tell you I am not saying "sorry." I am saying my heart has been broken for a year. My heart asks for forgiveness for not being in Israel when the hell hit, when the fear hit, when the cries resounded all the way to the highest mountains in North Carolina, where we were on vacation. Back here, back here with rainstorms of missiles and sitting in saferooms that we knew needed to be built with enemies that care not for this land but only for our demise, I found myself the other night, the night of ballistic missiles with one-ton warheads, smiling. I was thinking that this is where I am supposed to be; this is where  I need to be until a quiet returns, until the hostages return, until true peace makes its way into the lands, into the minds of this region. I looked Rachel Goldberg-Polin in the eyes at the Shiva and said, "Sorry," but I wish I was more articulate when I spoke to her. I wish I said, "Forgive the powers that be that took your son and all the hostages on that day..." I am not clairvoyant, hell I can't tell you what will happen five minutes from now. I do my walks in Tel Aviv with a phone and, halfway into my walk, check the bombing reports to gauge my pace and, if need be, go a bit faster. I check my mental state and try to quell my anger at a University System of hate that learned from the evil of the 1930s where to start and how to start.  Smart kids.  They should be knighted by the brothers of hate or given a joint Noble award for a job well done.  The SJP, JVP, BLM, BDS, and all the other groups should seek further grants from their Qatari funders, who have given them so much.  If I were "sorry," I would only be sorry for not speaking louder years ago, back to the Mapping Project where Wellesley students made clear who to hate in their warped sense of justice.  I am sorry it took so long to speak; to my brothers and sisters who were taken on that horrible day, please be kind and forgive us for waiting so long to engage in this do-or-die battle.