Gulp. I did exactly as well (time-wise) as I thought I would, and in fact, a bit better . So I should be happy. I should be thrilled. I should be sitting here toasting myself on a job well done.
I am not.
I am kind of embarrassed that out of 9 people I came in 8th.
I am kind of embarrassed that my time, albeit on a road bike compared to the dedicated time trial bikes the other competitors rode, was almost three minutes from the winning time. That's a huge difference in this sport. Huge. Thus, the feeling of embarrassment.
Yet, I achieved some very difficult goals since August when I got back into the cycling scene. I raced and overcame a lot of my fears by entering as many races as I could. In the past, I would find myself almost paralyzed by fear. What I was finally able to do was harness my fears. I just accepted that I would be very, very nervous and ended up always taking a good warm-up and getting the jitters out of the way. I also learned to get to the front and dictate, as much as I could, from the start. This too helped.
The trouble with setting lofty goals is that you chance not achieving them on the first try. I have set many "lofty" goals for myself over the years and failed far too often. It is frustrating. It is, at least for me, at times a bit depressing. I gnash my teeth and gnaw on the skin around my fingers.
Yet so many of the outrageous goals that I have set, have been achieved to some degree. Even if they are not achieved in an outright or complete manner, the lessons I have learned from my "failures" have taught me, perhaps, even more than if I had met with success.
However, I think that I am focusing far too much on the outcome. I made the time period far too short for my biking goals and expected to deal with both my physical and mechanical limitations far more quickly than it was possible. Thus, to some extent, I underestimated the competition and did not give them their due respect. I also overestimated my abilities as well. Again, I am embarrassed for having not thought this all out a bit better.
As an older athlete I do not feel that one an stop learning and stop pushing themselves. Yet, to what extent should we put our bodies at risk. Mind you, time trialing at full-speed in 38C degree weather is risky. Going down hills at 70+ KPH is very risky as well. Is it worth it? Eva is very upset with me for pursuing this sport. We get nothing for it besides a "like" comment on our Facebook accounts and if we win, there is no prize money and such. Hell, even our teams have us paying for clothing as we proudly display the names of our sponsors, and the discounts that we get from the bike shops in Tel Aviv amounts to almost nothing.
It is difficult for me to explain to people who do not compete why I ride and why I am "happy" to be competing again. I missed it. I missed the thrill of race day and I missed the thrill of setting lofty athletic goals and attempting to achieve them. I always set goals for my teaching and photography, but for too long of time had not been setting physical ones. For some psychological reason these seem to round things out and fulfill me. I don't think for most people that this holds true, but it does for me and it certainly does for those Masters +50 I have raced with. I know people like to refer to this as a drug, but I don't. I think it achieves a must higher status than a cheap endorphin high. I truly believe there is something almost spiritual that is felt at the end of a tough training ride or a tough race.
So, what I take away from this season of racing is that I must continue to set goals, in all facets of my life, that are doable, but are extremely challenging for me. I emphasize me for true goals are personal and what may be challenging for me, may be a breeze for you or just too damn hard to even attempt. Thus, one needs to make sure that their goals are personalized and not tainted by what others say or how others feel. They are yours.
Be proud of your goals. Be proud of your efforts and both your successes and failures. You can't "fail" if you don't attempt. You can't attempt if you don't believe.
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